How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
