I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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