her vagine was all disorganized.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
