So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
