A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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