Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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