im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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