There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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