I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
