What did we do last night that was yellow?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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