Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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