Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
