Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
