i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
