I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
