That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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