I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
