My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
