see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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