Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
