he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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