I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
