The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize