don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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