There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
