my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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