Midget sex pt 2 tonight
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
