i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
