I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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