and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
