Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
