im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
