So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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