the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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