Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
