she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
