Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
