I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
