Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just sent this text using only my big toe
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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