I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
