Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
