I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
