Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
