Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
