then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
