I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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