listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
