i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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