I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
