I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
