okay pat passed out under dana's car
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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