just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
