Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
